Sunday Thought

I had relatively good week until I hit somber mood on Friday morning. I mean, being on high vibration for the most of the week with manifestations falling on my lap as the moment I put it out to universe and working through any hiccups landing on my days. I seen one of my good friend for coffee, spend quality time with my kids and my boyfriend – there should have been nothing to have a reason to feel upset or hurt. Yet, here I was on Friday morning sobbing in my downstairs bathroom, hoping to not wake up any one from the house.. yes! I even hid my tears and upset.

So what could been the reason.. well, if I dwell deeper into my week with absent mind of all the positives, then there was a stress in it. Not having a car for two days and to know that I won’t have it for weekend – on the weekend I had everything double booked! It was a bit of extra pain to reorganise everything. Also, to be told by two people that work what I do is not enough and you must push yourself more at, while you are giving your 80% already – can hurt even the strongest people, but we will come back to it later.. it’s the unsolicited advice part. And of course, what could have triggered the whole thing to resurface is also the deep dive of meditation I did with psychosis to release negativity in my vibrational field – talking from experience, it can trigger quite a lot.

One of the thing that I did notice on my bad mood was my feeling of being victim and victimised. My rational and emotional mind both could agree that I was not a victim but there us this slight feeling of being a victim.. why? Well, it’s not actually rocket science.

As strong independent woman from age of 15-16 I have always been counting on me. I am crap at asking help and when I do it takes a lot of effort from me. I am very loyal to people and the word I have given. So if I say I will be in on working – I will be there! If I have taken responsibility on something and something else comes up – I jiggle in both. So hitting the limits and reaching out for help to be turned down does trigger me a lot. Hence I feel like I’m fool to ask help from others and not receive the help m, I will feel like people have been unfair with me.

But let’s face it: this is just my lenses on the situation I am in, and they have different lenses on. Do I have right to feel hurt? Yes, absolutely! But I have no right to think that they would understand this.. their world was too busy for to see your need and your uncomfortable emotions reaching out for help. So it’s okay.. isn’t it? of course it is. Does it make me feel better about my victim hood? No, but I know that this also will pass. I feel the emotions and learn to understand why would I feel this way under the circumstances I am in.

Another victim mentality and emotions do come from feeling fear or scared. Them moments we are feeling like the walls of life are literally caving into us, we become victims and will not feel the anyway of out. It starts to overwhelm us and gives us severe anxiety. It’s so easy to ease your anxiety then to see world as your enemy and you as victim in it. This time there is no point to calm yourself over emotion of life being unfair but rather address your fear.

Why are you feeling threatened? Where does this fear and anxiety come from? Are you actually in the serious threat? What has happened in your past that you are feeling afraid now?

Simply asking few questions around your fear and it will dissolve or show you what trauma in the past have caused me the fear and anxiety that has hit me in the situation I am in. I wasn’t that young when I became mum but little did I know To fully understand what sort of father my partner was going to be. Now don’t get me wrong – I do not regret of being a mum but most definitely I didn’t. Thought I would raise kids on my own.

For next nine years I have been solo parent with dad being more like visitation parent. Honestly, when we split up, there wasn’t that much change for kids beside that now we don’t do things together and they spend the weekend with their dad at his mum house. So if something goes wrong with the house, car or one of us gets sick – it’s my responsibilities to get it under control. It really is moment when you are continually in fight or flight mode. If that won’t leave trauma into your psyche – what will.

For people who hasn’t seen the full story, my anxiety and feeling left out can be seem like too dramatic outburst – remember I mentioned the lenses people wear? While for me it is serious mental breakdown or memory of the high stress I have been trying very hard for close to decade to get out of. If it is triggered again, then quite frankly I feel hurt or upset about it. So there will be the feeling down, overwhelmed and axioms.

But today is Sunday and tomorrow is new day ahead. New week and new challenges.The week to have more manifestations and bigger goals. But today i will be kind to myself, pat myself on the back of understanding myself , giving love to the hurt side of myself and do something what makes me feeling great and wholly me. I wish you a very humble and lovely Sunday! x

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